


resting deep inside my head

by justanexercise



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Dubious Consent, F/F, Out of Character, Pseudo-Incest, Rape/Non-con Elements, Red Kryptonite, Red Kryptonite Kara Danvers, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-10-28 13:08:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10831911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanexercise/pseuds/justanexercise
Summary: Kara brings up a night she never wanted Alex to know. The Red Kryptonite infecting her makes her spill her secret and now Kara doesn’t know if Alex could ever be around her again.





	1. Chapter 1

 

She can’t face Alex.

Kara sits on the couch, hugging her knees tight against her chest with her eyes squeezed shut.

_Bitch. Evil. Alien Menace. Locked up. Killed. Dangerous._

She almost claps her hands over her ears, hearing all the remnants of terrified and angry National City residents curse her name after the destruction she’d caused under Red Kryptonite.

She glances towards the open window. She can fly away. Run away.

Except Kara doesn’t.

She sits. She stays.

She deserves their hate.

Kara’s hands curl into fists, stretching out the fabric of her sweatpants.

She deserves this.

Kara barely feels the hot tears collecting on her knees, turning the light grey pants dark.

She’s no hero.

She never was. Never will be.

Nothing but a façade.

Now everyone knows.

Now Alex knows.

Now, now she’s lost everything.

\---

**_Four Years Ago_ **

Crinkling her nose at the exhaust billowing out of the bus, Kara waves her hand in front of her face, turning around and coughing into her elbow. The city needs better public transportation. Kara tightens her hold on the straps of her purse, walking the required three blocks to find Alex’s apartment building. She runs through the excuses she’s prepared, mumbling under her breath and getting a few curious looks from other pedestrians. Kara fiddles with the edge of her shirt.

Maybe she should just stick to the truth.

She misses Alex.

Especially since they’re in the same city and Kara’s barely twenty minutes away in her own dormitory. She’d been disappointed when Alex had told her most of her labs and classes were going to be off campus. All fantasies of randomly finding Alex at the library, the coffee shop were immediately dashed. Still, Kara holds out hope.

But Alex has been so busy.

Kara licks her lips, jabbing the button to Alex’s floor in the elevator. She bounces on her heels, looking at the digital numbers of the floors ascend. She makes sure to keep her speed in check, barely keeping it to a brisk walk to Alex’s door.

She’s got this.

Kara knocks, loudly.

There’s no answer.

Kara frowns, peering around the hall for any wayward eyes. She slips her glasses down her nose, using her powers that she’d promised both Eliza and Alex she would never ever use. Alex isn’t home. Kara pouts.

Well that’s a wasted trip. She checks her watch, it’s 10 at night, maybe Alex is still at the lab. Kara’s eyebrows crinkle together. Alex probably hasn’t even eaten dinner then.

Making her way to the roof, Kara takes off her glasses, leaning against the edge of the railing and shuts her eyes, listening. She filters through the low hum of the city, shuts out the honking cars, the sirens, everything that isn’t Alex.

She hears her laughter first.

“Gotcha,” Kara says, smiling. She widens the scope, listening around Alex. The corner of her lips turns down into a frown. Bass, pop music, rustling fabric, clinking glasses. Kara’s eyes snap open, her vision following the sounds.

Alex is at a club. Dancing, drunk and stumbling against two men. Two men who are holding her up with grins on their faces. Kara doesn’t think twice, jumping off the building into the alley and lands on concrete. There’s a hairline crack but Kara’s a bit too preoccupied to spare that any thought.

She uses a burst of speed, keeping it at just above human level and runs to the club. She keeps her ear trained on Alex, hearing her mumble incoherently. She skids to a halt in the dark alley behind the club, her Converse shoe bottoms melting a bit from the speed. She sees Alex get pinned with her face against the brick wall.

“Alex…” Kara says, her chest heaving and not from exertion. Her eyes glow for a split second while watching the two men man handle Alex and touch her. She stomps over, gritting her teeth. “Get away from her!”

The two men freeze, glancing over at her. They chuckle, seeing what appears to be a vulnerable young woman in the alley.

“Hey hey, we’re just having some fun,” says the guy with too much gel in his hair.

The second guy with too much cologne gives Kara a once over. He taps his friend on the shoulder and hands Alex’s floppy body over. “I got this one.”

“Get away from her,” Kara says through clenched teeth.

Cologne guy stalks over to Kara but she barely looks at him, her attention solely focused on Gel guy who’s hands are holding Alex’s hips too tight. Cologne guy reaches out, smirking at his good fortune, finding another girl who’s too unaware to even look at him. He tries to yank on her ponytail but Kara, not even sparing him a glance, shoves him with one hand. He hits the wall with a grunt, sliding down to the ground.

“The fuck?” Gel guy mumbles.

“Get. Your. Hands. Off. Her!”

Faster than he could blink, Kara’s already in front of him, gripping him by the collar of his expensive suit and slamming him against the wall. Gel guy’s toes scrape the floor, he desperately claws Kara’s arms but he can’t even move them.

Cologne guy gets a second wind, curling his large bicep around Kara’s neck and pulling her into a chokehold. It does nothing to her.

She reaches behind, yanking cologne guy and pressing him against the wall with her palm against his chest. She pushes against them, tempted to push all the way through to the wall. They grunt in pain, kicking and punching at her, their eyes wide in panic and terror. Their ribs creak, it feels more like a football player is sitting on their chest than a woman with a hand on them.

“If I see you two here, _ever_ again…” Kara digs her nails into them.

They scream and she pulls back, her eyes barely reining the anger in as she watches them scramble away. Kara takes a deep breath to calm herself.

“Alex!” she breathes out. Kara turns and lightly traces her hands up Alex’s hip on the thin short dress. “Alex?”

Alex mumbles, rolling her forehead against the wall.

“Oh Alex,” Kara says. She swallows thickly. “What’d they do to you….”

Alex holds onto Kara’s wrist, pulling at them. Kara lets her, hugging Alex around the stomach with her other arm and leans her cheek on the back of Alex’s head.

She’s safe.

Kara breathes in deep, grounding herself with the feel of Alex against her. She got here in time.

“Fuck…” Alex mutters. “Me.”

Kara’s eyes snap open, her brain going on red alert. She should’ve pulled away. She’s Kryptonian, she’s faster and stronger.

She doesn’t know why her body fails her.

Alex presses Kara’s hand between her legs, pulling the hem of her dress up. Kara's heart skips a beat. She isnt wearing any underwear. Alex grinds the heel of her palm against the back of Kara’s hand as her hips desperately jerk between them.

Warmth spread along Kara’s stomach, feeling Alex in the palm of her hand. She opens her mouth but all that comes out is a low groan, one that Alex echoes. Her hold tightens, pulling at the wiry hairs and Alex's thighs clamp together, trapping Kara’s hand.

“Shit,” Kara hisses, feeling Alex’s blunt nails scrape against her skin on her hand and forearm. Her hand involuntarily clenches, feeling Alex’s muscles jump and clench.

Her brain can only pick up everything that is Alex. The desperate pants, the heat coming off her skin, the low moans. Kara pulls her closer, her nose skimming Alex’s ear. With an uncoordinated frantic thrust, Alex trembles in her arms and Kara knows Alex has just come. The stickiness along her hands and the rapid beating of Alex’s heart is a good indication.

Alex hums, slumping against her. Kara’s hand slips free, she lets it swing to the side, the warm fluid cooling in the air. Her throat bobs as she takes a few gulps of air, regretting that immediately when she can still smell Alex around them and not just the scent of Alex’s skin. Kara squeezes her eyes shut.

She can’t have a break down now.

She needs to take Alex home, make sure she’s okay.

Kara isn’t sure if she flies or if she walks them back to Alex’s apartment, but one moment they’re in the alley and the next, she’s placing Alex on the couch. She runs her hand through her hair, grimacing at the residual stickiness and scent still on there.

Alex mumbles into the couch, still drunk.

Kara takes a step back, her foot hitting with the beer bottles strewn across the floor. She glances at Alex but she barely notices any noise. Kara can’t stay here, she can’t…

So she runs. She runs so far she’s not sure where she is anymore. It’s a desert, the stars are bright, and most importantly no one within a few miles of her.

Kara wipes at the tears on her face, groaning at the scent still lingering on her fingers. Dropping to her knees, Kara frantically claws at the dirt until the last smell of Alex gets masked.

This isn’t what she wanted.

Kara sobs, her head hanging low.

It isn’t supposed to happen this way. Kara is supposed to gradually have Alex see her as something more than just her little sister. Now that they’re both out of the house, now that Eliza isn’t there to insist that they’re sisters, they’re supposed to change.

Now, now Kara doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do.

\---

Kara pretends everything is normal.

The next morning Kara finds her way to Alex’s apartment again, this time carrying donuts and two coffees. She knocks obnoxiously on the door, banging loudly to get through the music blaring inside.

“Alex?” Kara asks, masking her anxiety. “What is it in there, a hullabalooza?”

She listens in closer, only hearing Alex’s heartbeat and her frantic barefoot steps as she runs around the apartment, throwing empty beer bottles in the trash. Kara knocks again.

“ _Yes I know. I_ _’m coming I_ _’m coming I_ _’m coming!_ _”_

Kara keeps knocking until Alex turns off the music and yanks the door open.

“Finally,” Kara says, chuckling at Alex’s harried look. She pastes on her smile. “Good morning, did you do another all-nighter studying synthetic molecular…blah blah?”

“You know me, just Queen of the night.”

Kara sucks in a breath, ignoring the stale beer tickling her nose. She glances at Alex who’s still wearing the clubbing outfit from last night, still reeking of sweat, alcohol and sex. Kara shakes her head. She can’t think of that now. She tries extra hard to be normal. “Oh my Rao, I am so jealous of this apartment.”

That’s normal. She says that every single time she stays over at Alex’s place, hoping that Alex would finally take the hint and ask Kara to move in with her.

As always, Alex doesn’t get it. “Well, it is all yours when I am done. So you don’t have to wait too long.”

“Yes I know.” Kara turns around, setting the food and drinks on the table, discreetly watching Alex wipe at the faded makeup under her eyes. She swallows thickly, busying herself with picking off the popcorn on the table and tossing it in the trash. “You are getting your PhD and MD in less time than it takes most people to finish drivers ed.”

Alex leans against the table, fidgeting with the bottom of her dress. Kara looks away, opening the pink box and fishing out a donut. She busies herself with ripping it to tiny pieces instead of eating it. Her fingers need something else to touch, something else that won’t remind her how Alex felt under her hand.

Kara clears her throat. “Why do you push yourself this hard?”

Alex pushes herself so hard she drinks and parties just to relieve the stress. Kara worries. She always does but seeing Alex like that last night, she needs to help Alex.

“Kara, you can lift a car above your head,” Alex says, spreading her arms wide. “You can see through walls. I am just trying to keep up.”

She falls back on old arguments, maintaining the normalness. “Yea well…I can’t use those powers. I’m not allowed.” Glancing at Alex, Kara shifts unsteadily on the stool. She studies her closely but Alex doesn’t seem any different. “I have to suppress everything.”

Alex sighs, frustrated. “Yes, yes I know it’s hard to have super powers Kara. But please, you have to watch over yourself. I can’t police you 24/7 anymore.”

Kara grits her teeth. She never needed Alex to do that. She never wanted Alex to do that.

And if anything, it’s Alex that needs to be watched over now. Kara forces a smile. “You uh…want some fried sugar?” she asks, changing the subject.

Alex looks tempted for a moment but shakes her head. “Thank you, but I uh…started this new cardiac…bio…electric--”

Kara drops her head, already prepared for Alex’s multitude of excuses.

“--lab thing and it’s going to blow up if I don’t get to it.”

She fiddles with the letters on the table, needing something to do or else she might just call Alex out on the lies. Maybe go far enough to bring up last night, finally get her feelings out in the open.

“Oh uh…” Alex yanks the letters away. “Just bills.” She backs away, close to the door. “So uh…we’ll talk later?”

Kara hums, reading the clear dismissal. “Yea…”

Alex opens the door wide, barely giving her a glance.

“I love you,” Kara says, holding her arm out for a hug.

Alex automatically slides in, rubbing her hands up and down Kara’s back. “I love you.”

Walking down the hallway to the elevator, Kara rubs at her eyes, forcing the stinging away.

This is good.

This is normal.

Nothing’s changed.

Alex doesn’t remember.

She won’t lose Alex, not like this.

She’s determined to keep this a secret. After all, what’s another secret in her life?

Except, secrets don’t stay buried. They always find a way out into the light.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Non-Con and attempted rape.

 

The pin on the map hasn’t changed for the past hour. Alex’s thumb hovers over the map app, she switches to messenger and clicks on Kara’s name. Shaking her head, Alex lays her phone back on the coffee table and eases back on Kara’s couch. Kara’s tracker hasn’t moved from CatCo.

Kara needs some time to process.

Alex can give her time. She needs some time herself, work through what she can and cannot say to Kara. Shutting her eyes, Alex rubs at her forehead, her broken arm throbbing but Alex refuses to take painkillers, not even some over the counter ones.

Her phone beeps. Alex glances down, watching the map zoom out as Kara makes her way across the city. The DEO has her tagged, something Alex agreed to. Kara may have gotten the all clear, her brain pattern has come back to normal, no indication that the Red Kryptonite is in her system anymore, but they have to stay vigilant.

Supergirl’s going to be monitored for a while, at least until everyone is certain she won’t go off the deep end again.

Alex trusts she won’t, but there’s no telling if there’s any other remnants of Red Kryptonite.

Kara flies in through her open window, her face pinched in exhaustion. Alex clenches her fists to stop herself from reaching out to hug her. Kara so far hasn’t noticed her. She unclips her cape at human speed, letting it drop to the ground before standing on one foot to remove her boots.

“Alex…” Kara says breathily, her eyes widening at Alex sitting on the couch. She swallows thickly and averts her gaze. “W-What…”

“We need to talk.”

Kara’s breath hitches, she glances back out the open window.

“Don’t,” Alex commands, reading the micro expressions flitting across Kara’s face. “Just…sit. Please.”

Kara sits as far away from Alex as she physically can. She fidgets, playing with her sleeves and avoiding even looking at Alex.

“Kara…”

“I’m sorry,” Kara says, her voice thick with despair. She closes her eyes to stop the tears from falling. They still do. Kara’s whole body trembles as Alex scoots closer, wiping at her wet cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”

“What you said…” Alex pauses, her hands dropping to her lap. “What you…did.”

Kara’s chin wobbles and she stares into her lap, unable to look properly at Alex. Alex takes her time, watching Kara. She still has the same make up on from the incident, though some of it is running off from her tears now. Kara’s hands curls into fists and Alex squeezes her eyes shut. Alex’s fingers tremble as she traces Kara’s fists, the same way she’d always done when Kara had been overwhelmed by her powers, by her emotions, by Earth.

“Kara…” Alex says. “It’s okay.”

Kara’s eyes shoot open, looking at Alex as if _she_ were the alien. “Okay? How could…it’s not _okay_. How could you…”

“Because I love you Kara, no matter what.”

“I tried to…” Kara’s voice trembles.

“But you didn’t.”

“I wanted to.”

“You stopped.”

Kara’s head whips back and forth in denial, her hands covering her face.

**= 7 hours ago =**

“We have never been sisters,” Kara grinds out. “We don’t share blood.”

Alex’s breath hitches in her throat, watching Kara cruelly stalk towards her, each word hitting her vulnerable insecurities. She stands her ground as Kara stops in front of her, hand raising to hold Alex’s chin.

“But that’s the thing isn’t it?” Kara tilts Alex’s head back. Alex trembles, wanting desperately to step back, to regain some form of control over this situation, but with Kara’s unpredictability, Alex isn’t sure she won’t hurt her if she struggles.

“Kara…”

“I never saw you as my sister Alex.” Kara’s smirk morphs into a mockery of Alex. “Oh don’t cry.” She wipes at the tears on Alex’s cheeks. “You never wanted a sister.”

“That’s not true.”

Kara chuckles darkly and Alex suddenly finds herself facing the wall, Kara pinning her wrists above her head. “Isn’t it?” Kara noses at the back of her head. “Come on Alex, I _know_ you.”

With her free hand, Kara grabs Alex’s waist and digs her nails in. Alex’s hips jerk at the sudden pain and she cries out.

“That’s it Alex,” Kara says, pushing at Alex’s ass with her crotch.

“W-What are you doing?” Alex asks breathlessly. Her mind refuses to entertain even the notion of what she knows Kara is leading towards. It’s just not possible.

Kara laughs, slipping her hand to the button of Alex’s jeans. “Don’t be coy now Alex. We’ve been here before.”

“I…What?”

“Need a reminder?” Kara cups her between her legs and squeezes.

Alex groans, her muscles reflexively clenching. She curses at her body’s reaction. It’s just a normal response with someone touching her there. Alex swallows thickly, urging herself to calm down and to stop feeling the bolts of pleasure from Kara’s hand.

“K-Kara…” Alex chokes out. “W-What…”

“Come on sis, you’ve begged me before,” Kara says, her teeth nipping at Alex’s earlobe. “What’s stopping you now?”

“ _What_?”

Kara chuckles, squeezing Alex’s pussy harder.

“You were getting your MD and PhD, I was visiting,” Kara recounts. “I found you Alex. You wanted me so badly.”

Alex bites her tongue to stop herself from making any noises. She fails when a whimper escapes once Kara’s finger starts roaming, finding her clit over her jeans and pressing down.

“That’s it,” Kara coos. “You remember now huh?”

Alex tries to pull away, her arms jerking against Kara’s hold. But Kara doesn’t let her, she tuts Alex like she’s reprimanding a child.

“Don’t be like that.” Kara hums.

“Kara this isn’t you!”

“I’m more me than I’ve ever been.”

“The Red Kryptonite…it’s  changing your brain chemistry,” Alex desperately says, trying to reason with her. “You don’t want this Kara.”

“I’ve wanted this for a long time.”

Alex’s brain stops working. She blinks hard and shakes her head. It’s not true. It can’t be. “Kara, no, you—“

“Stop patronizing me.” Kara squeezes again. Alex grunts, feeling her wrist bones grind against each other. “Do you remember coming all over my hand Alex?”

Alex blinks. “What…?”

“I think you need a little reminder,” Kara says, using her super speed to tear open the button and zipper. She stops short of shoving her hand into Alex’s underwear, just letting her hand hover dangerously over them. “You. Me. An alley. We were just like this. Except well…you had on the skimpiest dress I’d ever seen and _Rao_. You were so fucking beautiful Alex.” Kara cups between her legs, grinning at the warm wetness she’d found. “You were wetter then though.”

Alex’s heart rate skyrockets. “S-Stop.”

Kara’s hand freezes. “Why?” She holds her possessively and squeezes. Alex cries out in pleasure and immediately curses herself afterwards.

“You have to stop.”

“You want this Alex, it’s okay,” Kara says, her voice surprisingly sweet.

Alex shakes her head. She has to be better than this. “No.”

“You _begged_ me Alex. You humped my hand like a fucking bitch in heat. You came all over me.”

“No!” Alex struggles against Kara’s hold.

“Stop it Alex,” Kara scolds. “You’re hurting yourself.”

“Let go of me!”

Surprisingly, Kara releases her and steps back before Alex could hurt herself even more. Without Kara to support her, Alex falls against the wall. She sniffs, pulling her pants up as much as she could.

“Fine,” Kara says, walking over to the open window. “After I have National City worshipping me on their knees…well, I’ll have you do the same.”

Alex doesn’t turn around until she’s sure Kara’s gone out the window. She swallows, wiping at the tear tracks on her cheeks.

\---

**= Present =**

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Kara says, her hands covering her face. “I’m sorry.”

“Kara.” Alex winds her good arm around Kara’s shoulder and squeezes. “We…we have to talk about it.” Kara shakes her head again. “We have to Kara…what you said about…about you…feeling that way. Did you…have you…have you always felt that way?”

Kara sucks in a breath, her whole body trembling. She nods once.

Alex gulps. “And…the other…the other thing. You...you said before…that I…with you.”

Kara whimpers. “I’m sorry…”

“Was it true?”

“Alex…please. I can’t…Please.”

“Tell me the truth Kara.”

Kara burrows her head into her knees. “Yes,” Kara wails, her voice thick with tears.

Alex shuts her eyes at the admission. She lets her forehead fall on Kara’s shoulder. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Kara says in a small voice. “It’s not…I…I _violated_ you.”

“You stopped,” Alex says with conviction.

“Not soon enough. I wanted to…I wanted to _take_ you. Make you mine.”

“But you didn’t. It wasn’t you Kara, you were…you were violated to. Your brain, you weren’t in control.”

Kara shakes her head again.

“Yes Kara,” Alex says, rubbing her shoulder. “It wasn’t you, not really.”

“This time…” Kara weakly says. “But…not the first…I…I didn’t stop. You…I…I’m so sorry.”

Alex’s breath hitches. Her hand moves to the back of Kara’s head and she lightly runs her hand through Kara’s hair. “Look at me, please.”

It takes a few moments before Kara lifts her head, her eyes red rimmed and still crying.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Alex asks.

Kara looks away. “Why do you think?”

“Kara.”

“You didn’t remember…and I…I did that and you…how could I ever…I didn’t want to lose you and…I should’ve told you…but…” Kara closes her eyes and breathes heavily. “I couldn’t…I couldn’t bear it, knowing you…knowing you’d reject me. Hate me.”

“I could never hate you.” Alex cups her cheek and turns her until they’re face to face. “I love you Kara.”

“How could you?”

“Because I do.” Alex leans in, pressing her forehead against Kara’s. “No matter what.”

“You can’t…” Kara cries out, clutching desperately at Alex’s shirt. “You can’t.”

“I remember Kara.”

Kara’s entire body freezes. “What?”

“You didn’t do anything I didn’t want,” Alex admits.

“What?”

“I love you Kara, I always have and I always will.”

“You…you remember?” Kara asks, hesitantly hopeful. “You…”

“Yes, I remember.” Alex’s thumb caresses her cheek. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Kara’s chin wobbles, she looks at Alex for any form of deception, finding none. She smiles, relieved. “You…with me?”

“Always.”

“You like me…you want…with me?”

Alex nods and Kara grins. She pulls Alex in for a crushing hug.

“I love you Alex.”

Alex rubs Kara’s back. “I love you too.”

\---

A few days later, Alex glares at the agents shit-talking Supergirl in the breakroom. They take one look at her stormy face and retreat back out to do their work. Alex shakes her head. It’ll take some time for Kara to gain their trust again. Still, doesn’t mean she has to take them bad mouthing Kara.

She walks to the DEO control room, smiling when she sees Kara starting to look like her old self. Kara’s talking in low whispers at J’onn and holding onto his hand.

Alex catches a few stray words and goes stock still.

_Thank you. Memory. Alex._

When J’onn frowns in confusion over Kara’s shoulder, Alex gives him a desperate look, screaming in her head for him to play along, to accept it. J’onn’s eyebrows furrow even more but he nods once and rubs Kara’s back.

Even his mind reading powers have limits.

He can’t bring out memories that aren’t there.

Kara turns around, seeing Alex and beams. She skips towards her, glancing around for any stray eyes before she takes Alex’s hand.

“Hey,” Alex says, smiling back at her.

“Hi.” Kara ducks her head shyly, caressing the back of Alex’s hand.

Kara can never find out the truth. It would only destroy her.

Alex will shoulder it for the rest of her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup. this was meant to be messed up.


End file.
